February 10st, 2007

February 10st, 2007

I can’t help but feel that my last post was a bit dramatic. I’ve considered removing it. But that’s just not how it works. You can’t “delete” a bad day.

Having had time to sort through things, and put things in perspective really does help a great deal. That being said, here’s the very very very abbreviated why.

Oh, before I go into that, I should explain something. It’s my believe, based on my 29 years, that everyone has support networks. For lack of better terminology, I’m going to call them circles of support (sounds like new bra technology, huh?). If you were to visualize it, it would look like those hanging fruit baskets, with a small container at the top, then a slightly larger one, then a slightly larger one, and so on. If you cut out any one of those baskets, you sever the ties to the rest, and they fall away.

I don’t know how many circles, really. I’m going to loosely define a few, just to convey a clear picture. They very bottom, at least for me, would be acquaintances. A friend of a friend, the co-worker you aren’t necessarily fond of but don’t really not-like. whatever.

Next would be what I would term “friends.” The kind of friend you might invite to a birthday party with a bunch of other friends. Maybe watch a game with, or catch an occasional beer. You’d feed the dog if they left on business, but probably not if they went to jail. You’d probably put your co-workers and maybe your boss in this basket. If you like them.

Finally you have the top basket. To me, this is my support group. True friends. Family. When I say true friend, I don’t mean someone that will help you move. I mean someone that will move your stuff for you while YOU’RE in jail. Your best man (even if they’re not worthy, and are fucked up enough to not make it and regret it forever -y ).

So, this last week, my panties got in a twist over this top basket. (those are metaphorical panties. if anyone REALLY wants to know, boxers) My circle of top-level friends is pretty damn limited. The kind of list you count on the fingers of one hand. Maybe even a Simpson’s hand. (four fingers, hardee harr). My perception was that almost everyone was jumping out of this little basket.

Without going into details, I was mistaken. I was mistaken as to who was jumping ship, and I also underestimated the number of people in the first place.

Without trying to stroke my ego, I think it’s pretty safe to say that I leave pretty strong impression on people if I’m in their life for a while. And people remember me a bit more than I give them credit for.

So, bottom line really is a couple things. First, it would probably help if I would just grow up a bit. I always say that growing old is required, but growing up is optional. But once again, it’s easier to say something than to live it.

People are, eventually, going to leave my little circle. It may be difficult sometimes, but shit happens. People grow, and change, and some people grow apart. If I was more open in the first place, maybe it wouldn’t be such a small group, eh?

While I’m on the subject of being “open” I’d like to wonder why I’ve been told four or five times that I’m a very guarded individual. I never really thought I was. Someone who would talk to me AND read what I write might have a different view of this, but I don’t know.

So…. Here’s to hoping that future posts will be back to normal, oh frequent reader. I don’t know why you read, but I know why I write. Without a vent of some sort… well… I hesitate to think of how life would be.

Oh, and if anyone is interested in seeing Pan’s Labyrinth, I can safely recommend it with two reservations. 1. It’s in Spanish, with subtitles. There isn’t a lot of dialog, but there is some reading involved. 2. It’s VERY VERY graphic. There are a few death scenes that were excessively graphic, and I averted my eyes once or twice. But still a good story.