Turkey Day

So, as if I didn’t need to go on a diet before, we went to Shay’s for turkey day, and I proceeded to pack my face with turkey & mashed potatoes. I think I might try Kevin Smith’s shake-diet idea, and try to loose a few pounds. Stayed up until about 2am the day before making pies. I forgot one of the steps in my crust, though, and had to scrap one. Derf. Then I went a bought 9.5 inch pans when the crusts are all set up for 9 inch. And I always thought an extra 1/2 inch would be a good thing. oh, well…

I started my poor, frozen KLR this morning. Had to mess with the ignition for 3 or 4 minutes before I could get the forks to unlock, but it fired up pretty quickly. I find that I really do miss riding. The bike is underpowered, overheavy, and loud as hell, but god how I love it. It’s about time to start planning the trip to AK next year. Need to find the proper literature and some maps, and figure out exactly how long we’re going to be gone. I really really hope joe doesn’t flake out on me. { 5/28/08 edit mpd }

The only downside is that trip planning means hitting the boards again, and running the risk of becoming addicted. And now I have an iTouch to read ’em on, too. just what I needed, yeah?

Birthday – Part 3

Ok, so last “birthday” post (for a while, anyway). Today was Joe’s actual birthday. We managed to NOT WORK, which was cool. I’m going to have like 500 messages on my phone when I finally check it. Cindy & Rich spend Monday & Tuesday at Chris’s, which made for a nice, quiet day. Rich seems ok, but he never fucking shuts up! I guess we’re just too used to having a quiet house or something.

but I digress – So, yet another drive to Port Orchard. Picked up Mom & Shay and watched a flick (Magorium’s Wonder Emporium [sp?]).

A good time was had by all. Good flick, good times with the family.

maybe… just maybe…

Nov. 19th, 2007 | 07:11 am

I force myself to crawl off the couch after about 4 hours of restless psudo sleep. Another wonderful fucking day begins.

I tried to stay asleep, really i did. It occurs to occasionally that if I don’t wake up, if I could somehow manage to just stay asleep, then maybe this won’t turn out to be real. Everything since I was five or some shit has just been some twisted fucked up dream (some long-running soap opera ended that way… before my time).

But that never happens to me. No, dear reader. I must awake, and find another day wanting…

birthday – redux

So, this is part two of what will probably be a three or four-part birthday for joe. We went to Seattle to hang out with friends. Dinner at Red Robin, and a movie. If you ever have a chance to see Martian Child, see it. It’s a really good flick.

All in all, it was fun. Another very late night. That drive over the bridge is horrible, and really kicks my ass. It seems to take a bit less time than it used to, but it’s still just horribly draining. At least Cindy made cookies!

birthdays – part one

Saturday evening. Without a whole lot of work, I got shay to hold off until Saturday so we could combine the girls’ birthday party with joe’s. It was pretty cool, because we actually surprised him and that is pretty rare. He was standing in her kitchen, trying to figure out why the girls’ birthday cake said “happy 23rd.”

I surprised myself, and blew a bunch of money on a ps3. “for joe” of course. Thanks to digg, I found these 20% off coupons for Kmart, so I actually got one hell of a deal on the ps3.

But the birthday party was fun. I got shays youngest this machine that launches little balls up into the air while it plays annoying music. It was a big hit with the grown ups and the kids. I sat on the ground playing with it for probably half an hour.

We got home around 1am, and then had to set up the PS3, and try it out. At least we don’t have to get up early on Sunday.

Another Day

Nov. 12th, 2007 | 10:03 pm

Another day, the grieving process continues, and slowly life is making a valiant attempt at returning to some sense of normalcy. This works. In some respects. In other ways, it only servers to emphasize the loss. We are at a concert in Seattle tonight (thanks for the iPod touch, joe). But sitting, watching the bands and listening to the music, I find my thoughts more and more returning to mom, and the heartbreak in her eyes. I wonder how long, if ever, it might be before I see her really laugh or smile again… I wonder how many hours I will spend driving 101 to see her, and trying to comfort and console the inconsolable…

footprints

footprints
Current mood: sad

For those who do not know, our family lost a very special person this past week. In our hearts and on our minds forever, old man… God Speed…

This is for Mom:

And this is just my opinion, and what the hell do I know, but I don’t think you were chosen to suffer. I don’t think you have been tried for some past sins, or the follies of a former life. I think… No, i know, that all these amazing people that you’ve lost came in to your life for a reason. Not any sanctimonious “meant to be” or “it was their time” crap either. Your amazing talent and gift is that you are a guide. If there is a god up there, he’s not sending people to you to take them away. He’s sending the most needy and deserving to you, not for you, but for them. When i read the “footprints” story about how god “carries” people, all i can think of is you, carrying the broken, needy, and deserving souls through the toughest trials and tribulations that life can bring.

Not much comfort, I know. But I wanted you to know how I see things, how I see you. You have carried me across more beaches than god could count. Just as you did for Clyde, and Gene, and who knows many others over the years. There is more carrying to do I’m afraid. But know always that your family loves you, and we will help shoulder the burden. Of course we will. You’ve taught us very well…

at first

At first, it seems as if it really is the end of the world. He’s just laying there, and you know he will never get up again. You know you won’t hear his laugh, or see him on the caller ID. Those are the things that really get you. The plans that you had made with him. The things you had worked on together. Now gone. Over. And you have to leave, and leave him there. And thats just not right. You were supposed to leave together. But you leave without him… You have to, because it’s what is done.

And you go home, and there are people there… They wouldn’t let you be alone, not at a time like this that just isn’t done… So you go home and there are people there but he’s not there, and it just doesn’t feel right. It feels alien and cold and everywhere you look there he is, because that’s where he has always been, but you know that the chapter is closed game over and he won’t ever sit in that chair again or ask you where the remote is again or even pet the fucking dog again.

And you want to scream and throw things and hit things and you want to see him again and ask him why and tell him it’s not fair, not again. And you want to see the Almighty God and kick his ass and ask him where you screwed up so damn bad, and how can he single you out for this much loss in one lifetime and maybe you should be a fucking Hindu because maybe their God isn’t such a callus son of a bitch.

You finally get to sleep the sleep of the zombie, and you wake up 1,000 years before you want to, and you’re already worried about how the hell you’re supposed to even APPEAR to pick up the pieces, and how you’re supposed to make the car payment, and the rent, and the phone bill, let alone pay for a funeral. And what kind of a person are you if you can’t even pay for a decent funeral for the man? All this in about 30 seconds since you woke up, and in 30 seconds, you’ve already made it full circle, and your trying to figure out where the hell you went so goddamn wrong that you could be punished with this kind of loss… again.

Little by little, the minutes get easier. Not all of them, no, never ALL the minutes. But more of them are better today than yesterday. And with any luck (yeah, that bastard luck), there will be more good minutes tomorrow than there were today, and that’s how it works. Baby steps. It’s a long fucking walk out of this pit of misery, but the path is worn, and familiar. You’ve walked it before, and you’ll walk it this time, and not because you want to, but because you have to, because you’re a mother and a grandmother, you will lead your family up that path together.

And this is just my opinion, and what the hell do I know, but I don’t think you were chosen to suffer. I don’t think you have been tried for some past sins, or the follies of a former life. I think… No, i know, that all these amazing people that you’ve lost came in to your life for a reason. Not any sanctimonious “meant to be” or “it was their time” crap either. Your amazing talent and gift is that you are a guide. If there is a god up there, he’s not sending people to you to take them away. He’s sending the most needy and deserving to you, not for you, but for them. When i read the “footprints” story about how god “carries” people, all i can think of is you, carrying the broken, needy, and deserving souls through the toughest trials and tribulations that life can bring.

Not much comfort, I know. But I wanted you to know how I see things, how I see you. You have carried me across more beaches than god could count. Just as you did for Clyde, and Gene, and who knows many others over the years. There is more carrying to do I’m afraid. But know always that your family loves you, and we will help shoulder the burden. Of course we will. You’ve taught us very well…

(no subject)

another day, another trip to the hospital in bremerton. I hate having to come back up here, and leave mom down there alone with him. Not knowing is just killing her. You can see it in her face. It looks like she’s aged 10 years since I saw her last. At lease jan is on her way over now. That will help so much.

I wonder, would I want to be kept alive if there was no brain activity? Could it be some happy place, where life is good, and then someone just pulls the plug? for mom, I can’t believe that. I wouldn’t believe it anyway. The body and the brain are electrical.

It’s so damn frustrating. I have these thoughts that I want to explore, but always when I’m driving, or sitting somewhere. Then someone talks to me, or some jerk cuts me off, and it’s gone. Will it come back? probably not. Not for another 5 or 10 years. then it will be some new amazing thing, and some asshole will cut me off again.

(no subject)

On one hand, it doesn’t feel like I actually accomplished anything today. Not enough hours at my desk, I guess. I did get to work out in the field a bit, though, which was a really nice change. I feel like a lot of my knowledge and talents are wasted in that damn office. People don’t listen, or accept any suggestions, so what’s the point? At least in the field, the guys listen to me.

I am excited that I might get a new laptop tomorrow, which would be bad ass.

{edit – content removed /5/28/08 mpd }