“Warning: Prolonged exposure to Life has proven to cause mental anguish and death”

“Warning: Prolonged exposure to Life has proven to cause mental anguish and death

Selfishness. I’ve had people curse me for it. I’ve had people tell me I need to have more of it. I’ve seen others display it more often than I care to think about.

The primary cause of drama in my life of late has been selfish people. Don’t get me wrong, I understand a certain amount of selfishness in one’s life. It’s sort of a prerequisite, living in a hostile environment (suburbia, for instance). When dealing with strangers and certain types of friends, you have to watch out for yourself. “Nobody takes care of you but you.” Something I say regularly, and try to disprove just as regularly.

It’s the extent of it in some personal relationships astonishes me. The two dramas in question are directly related to this. For simplicity’s sake, we’ll call the “significant other” “partner.” It’s easier. If you want to be exact, it’s a husband/wife, and a boyfriend/girlfriend. But anyway.

I’ll never understand how someone can hear about a potentially HUGE development in their partner’s life, and respond with “why me?” or “what about me?” or any such nonsense. My instincts have told me (and I hope my actions have conveyed) that the first response should be “what about you?” or “are you okay?” Then you research the problem, work out the facts from the fiction, and get on with life. You gain strength through overcoming the adversity. And your relationship gains strength.

So wtf? Question number 1: how can you be in a relationship with someone you supposedly care about, and put yourself ahead of them? And 2: Why the hell would you stay with this person? ‘Cause we’re human, of course. Everyone’s favorite fuqed up ape.

So part of this is kind of an indirect quote. If you read this, -G-, sorry to plagiarize. You said it too well, and helped me form the thoughts in my head into words.

Humans are unreliable vessels on a sea of lies, and there is a shit storm brewing of the port bow. It seems we live to disappoint one another at every opportunity. Well, at least the important ones. From the little white lies to the full blown Prez Bush Specials. And here’s the best part. We’re always surprised when someone disappoints us. Or lies to us. We are Lois Lane, and the rest of the world is Clark Kent, and every time he takes the glasses off, we’re all fu^*)@g astonished. (those are called dash-dastardlies. I’m trying to keep from using excessive profanity, hardee har)

So I propose that the Sturgeon General issue forth a new edict. From this day forth, we shall all have signs on our foreheads. They will say “a%$hole” if you are male, and “bi#*h” if you are female. Every time you do something asinine, others can vote on the score of your action, and your sign will be updated. Say a little white lie would be maybe 5 points. Cheating on your partner? Say 100. Being a selfish jerk? Well, we can add a widget to myspace or something so people can vote on it.

At least then you’d know if you’re dealing with an amateur ash-hole, or a full blown politician grade Shinto master ash-hole.

Oh, and while I’m recommending things to the Sturgeon General, I’d like to propose a label for the air. Something along the lines of “May cause cancer.” And all newborns should have tattooed on their ass: “Warning: In the state of California, Life has proven to cause mental anguish and death on those with prolonged exposure”


Oh, and I’m well aware that I’ve typed Sturgeon General instead of Surgeon General. Sort of a not very funny play on words.

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